The New Barbarians [1982]

I had planned to write up Enzo G. Castellari's 1977 crime drama "The Heroin Busters" in this space today, but after watching it, I didn't have much to say, so I'll bullet my brief thoughts here and continue on to something far more fabulous and a lot closer to my heart.

• The Goblin soundtrack was the STAR of "Heroin Busters." Seriously, that soundtrack is so good you can listen to it sans-movie. Very funky, atmospheric, seventies-hip stuff.




• Good performances throughout, including David Hemmings' turn as a narcotics inspector, as well as gritty action sequences, well-edited with fairly engaging tension.




• Plenty of psychedelic costume choices and unintentionally hilarious portrayals of the Counterculture Menace.
  

But... in spite of this goodness, I am not inspired by this movie in the same way that I am by other Castellari offerings. Enzo G. Castellari is really a master of Italian action movies, and I'm deeply concerned about the announcement that Quentin Tarantino is remaking "The Inglorious Bastards" because I know that movie won't capture the splendid, low-budget weirdness that Castellari injects into his work (also, without Fred Williamson's swagger, I question whether the story will work *at all*). With this news in mind and upon watching "Heroin Busters," I found myself craving another Castellari film--a favorite of mine in the tradition that surpasses "so bad it's good" genre stuff and rockets right into the stratosphere of the Fantastique. That movie, internet, is "The New Barbarians."

I touched on the amazing fashion statements of "The New Barbarians" last week, but I feel compelled to devote a post to this movie, which is simultaneously a "Road Warrior" rip-off, and yet so much more. Rather than offering a traditional write-up, I'll explain why I enjoy watching "New Barbarians" more than "Road Warrior" (I know, I know--I never claimed to be an arbiter of good taste).

1. Fred "the Black William Shatner" Williamson. I know, I used this picture in two posts. But it's just that good. In the post-nuke future, Fred Williamson has zero cigars--that's the kind of dedication he brings to his portrayal of Nadir, the world's cockiest sidekick, in this film. What he lacks in cigars, he makes up for in gold-plated armor and leather chaps. No human on earth has the on-screen arrogance of Fred Williamson, and his delivery of dialogue would make "Dramatic Pause" Shatner blush. How much Fred Williamson was there in "Road Warrior?" None, meine Freunde. More's the pity.

2. Related to 1--every character has an abnormal amount of macho swagger. I can only postulate that something about the atomic bomb contributed to this. Above is the hero of this fine story, Scorpion. I don't think his parents gave him that name, but after the collapse of civilization, you're kind of free to make up whatever name you want, and if you're full to the brim with bravado, then you call yourself something like "Scorpion." Then you get to DARE people to mock you by driving a completely bad-ass hot rod with a skull hood ornament. I'm pretty sure that Fred Williamson was cast in this movie merely to balance Scorpion's incredible gasconade.

3. This chick. She's totally hott, and wears skintight purple leather chaps. You'd just have to be as smooth as Scorpion to make time with her.

4. Everything in this movie explodes. No--seriously; everything. From moment one, where an awesome model city falls prey to tiny explosions, to the final firey showdown, everything explodes. Even people. Nadir's crossbow shoots exploding arrows. Crazily-retrofitted dune buggies run into walls and burst into flames. All these explosions convince me that the overarching message of this movie is FUCK SUBTELTY. Now that is a message I can endorse!

5. Weird villains. You thought Lord Humongous, with his tiny leatherman outfit and gimpy hockey mask, was a little homoerotic? Well, what if a bunch of rogue hairdressers banded together, called themselves the Templars, and enforced their policy of non-reproduction with flamethrowers and sodomy? Oh yes, you read that correctly--these guys want to ensure the end of the world by preventing people from breeding future generations of offspring, and are willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make their bleak vision a reality. Even if that means buttraping the protagonist, which they do in one of the more jaw-dropping scenes in action-movie history.

"The New Barbarians" is the kind of movie that makes me regret I have but two thumbs up to give. Maybe I need to adopt Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies' Alonzo the Armless Scale in future posts?