Dario, hi. It's Kate. It's about last night--we need to talk. I know we've had some amazing times together, and I'll never forget that it was you who opened my eyes to the wonderful world of Eurotrash cinema. Trust me, the colorful kaleidoscope of sadism in "Suspiria" will always have a special place in my heart. But--you've changed. Worse than that--you've changed but you seem to be the only one who doesn't know. You insist on reliving your past and it's starting to intrude on the beautiful memories I have of you.
Look--let me just lay it on the line.
In "The Third Mother," you gave me Udo Kier, a monkey sidekick, some gorgeous interiors, and some really gut-wrenching FX work by Sergio Stivaletti. It's not that I don't appreciate all that, but... You wasted poor Udo's talents on some embarassing exposition and it just felt like you relied on Sergio's work to make up for a marked lack of the kind of fancy cinematography and deft art direction that I learned to expect from your work in the 70s and 80s.
I mean, I guess, if I pretend "Third Mother" wasn't your movie, it was entertaining enough, but you couldn't resist reminding me at every turn of the times we shared in the past. Not only were there heavy-handed references to "Suspiria" and "Inferno," lowering the movie to the status of cheap cash-in sequel, but you pushed the envelope with wink-winks to "Phenomena," "Tenebre," "Opera," and "Four Flies on Gray Velvet." It was all there and--frankly--it was embarassing for both of us. You're better than that. Or at least you were at one point...
While we're on the topic of embarassment, can we talk about the witches? Really, Dario. I know a thing or two about heavy eyemakeup and gothic fancy-dress. You should have called me. I kept wanting to reach through the screen and adjust the makeup on the girls, or just run them all into H&M for an emergency makeover (I can respect budgetary constraints, I really can). But no, you wound up turning your ladies into extras from Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield." While I won't object to the presence of creepy chicks on-screen (trust me on that), it was just distracting.
I respect your creativity enough that I won't bring up the obvious plot holes and the characters who don't act like any human being would ever act. I won't even mention the fact that your daughter's Touch of the Innsmouth has turned into a Bitchslap from the Deep Ones.
Look, I'm only telling you this because I care about you and I really do treasure the memories. But... Dario, I'm going to stop seeing you. I can't go on this way. I'm taking my DVD collection and leaving today, so I can remember you the way you were.
13 comments:
I've heard a lot of mixed reaction to this film. I still wanna see it though, but my hopes for it have been dashed from all the negative reviews I've had from people I respect.
Doesn't open here in STL until July 11th... I'm not very exited about it though cuz the trailer is so goddamn awful, it may as well have an über lame Nickleback song playing in it for all I care now.
I hope you took copious amounts of b00ze to the theatre, as per my suggestion. I watched this sober, and was worse for it.
Re: The Witches
--I would describe them as The Craft-meets Harajuka Street-meets The Spice Girls. And I mean that in a not-flattering way.
In case you want to read my take on it, here's a link to my Liar Society review..
Should we start a support group?
Way to let him down gently, Kate. I mean, there's no reason to be cruel. Still, I shouldn't be surprised if he hits the red wine HARD after this "Dear Dario"...
I haven't seen this one yet, but every opinion I've heard from people I respect say "Go watch Suspiria instead." So that's probably what I'll do. Thanks for saving me the heartbreak, Kate!
Oh, and BTW--I love Pat Benetar. LOVE HER. But then that was the soundtrack of my jr. high years...
Rogue Spy--Like me, who was amply warned by Dear Professor Jack prior to my cinema venture on Friday night, you are doubtless a completist. As such I encourage you to see the film. Then drop me a memo and we shall unleash the snark *together*.
Karswell--no Nickelback, but how do you feel about Cradle of Filth? No--really. Dani Filth, black metal hobbit of gloom mettul, makes a vocal appearance. I died a little inside...
Jack--I was painfully sober. You were right, as you are in so many matters. You totally had my best interests in mind and I'm the worse for wear having ignored you :/
Vicar--Like I mentioned to RS above, you'll doubtless see the movie. When you do, you know you'll have my shoulder to weep on. Or we can just throw back a couple drinks and let the mockery flow freely. Your call, Tenebrous Grand Vizier!
>Dani Filth, black metal hobbit of gloom mettul, makes a vocal appearance.
The saddest part of this is that Dario probably thought he was being really bitchin' by adding Dani to the film. Couldn've been worse I suppose and had a vocal cameo from David Archuleta.
Karswell,
In the words of Randy, "Yo, yo, yo, listen up, dog. Archuleta would have killed it! Molten hot, dog!"
I'm so tired of everybody wasting Udo's time these days but to see him playing an enfeebled old man was just sad beyond words. Well, except for "sad."
I feel your pain, I wrote Dario a "Dear John" letter after 'Opera'.
Arbogast--SO with you on this one. It's really sad to say that I preferred Udo's character and performance in "Blood Rayne."
Pax--Confession: I dug "Opera," which was a disaster but such a brash disaster with some really memorable imagery. But yes, I've been hanging on for far too long. I thought "Sleepless" was the end of the road, and then I thought the "Masters of Horror" episode "Jenifer" was IT, but--enough is enough. I am just walking away now :(
>>then I thought the "Masters of Horror" episode "Jenifer" was IT
Oh noes! Our first disagreement, Kate--I actually really dug "Jenifer."
But then I am a bit of a perv.
Vicar--*gasp* Tell me this doesn't threaten our pending nuptuals!
lowering the movie to the status of cheap cash-in sequel
I hate that!! I'm sorry it wasn't all that it could have been. I saw some clips that looked good, but read a good many more reviews that cried: "infidel!"
It isn't showing in my jerked-off city, and I don't think I'll bust anything vital to my survival trying to check it out before the DVD is released.
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