Moving along from my Globo-related trauma, let's address the plot. You see, this movie tricks the viewer in to thinking it's a straightforward affair by adhering to a deceptively simple plot structure: Jamir, a stage magician, has to rescue his wife, daughter, and chubby kid assistant from the clutches of an evil sorceress named Mikula. Mikula is seeking revenge on Jamir since he's the grandson of a powerful sorcerer who cursed her. Fair enough. SIDEBAR: Grandpa Sorcerer is a rather amazing combination of Colonel Sanders and Fu Manchu--you can just tell he's a bigtime badass.
That synopsis does NOTHING to prepare you for the INSANITY of this movie. The first thing Jamir does is consult a witch doctor for advice, and after some really gross monkey-brain-eating action* which is supposed to do something or another to help Jamir in his quest, he sets out in his EXCELLENT CLOWN FACE BUS to seek the source of his woes.First stop is--wait for it--a village full of midgets and children in native attire. Really. The midget chief is announced by a herald who SHRIEKS and waves his arms around, and is brought in riding on a palaquin carried by other midget natives. I'm totally unprepared for this because, notably, the midgets were not addressed in the opening credits. That's just messed up. SIDEBAR: I wonder if the midgets viewed the child actors as scabs, taking jobs away from good, card-carrying midget actors.
Jamir wins over the midgets with a little game of hide-the-banana (he uses sleight of hand to make bananas appear and disappear--what did you think I meant?) and then carries on with his quest which involves finding some magic weaponthing or another. Trust me, you'd be lost too at this point.
Back at Mikula's headquarters, Mikula makes a bunch of menacing statements towards Jamir's loved ones while surrounded by her pig-faced soldiers, stripper-gyrating monkey man, and muscleman Krug (not THAT Krug--this Krug has 100% more gold lame and chainmaille). I'm pretty sure Mikula is hell-bent on revenge and world domination, as these characters tend to be, but it's not this that imbues her with excellence. THAT would be her giant, throbbing head bulges that pulse erratically while she cackles. Globo is presumably one of Mikula's minions, because shots of him are intercut with the other monsters in her employ, but his purpose is never explained. He's just there to piss me right the hell off.
After all the sinister banter, it's PARTY TIME! A band composed rubber-suited monsters takes the stage while Mikula and her cohorts take some time to get funky. The monkey-man gets hella-funky, in point of fact--wiggling around in an alarming and distracting fashion. This might not be so bad, except for the fact that the monkey-man wears nothing but face makeup, a loin cloth and body oil. Someone, somewhere, is entirely too excited by this. Of course this distraction allows Jamir's wife and daughter to escape, but not before fat-kid assistant boy is brought out to fight another kid dressed as a ninja. Of course, fat-kid assistant boy isn't all Ho-Hos and solitary weeping--he's made of sterner stuff, which he demonstrates by sending the ninja kid flying out of the ring with a radical-if-chubby crane kick.This film is structured using the AND THEN STUFF HAPPENS school of plot configuration. One dizzying image after another is force-fed to the viewer, who watches in what's probably a Ludivico-like trance. Self-hating wamp monster! Lady turning into rocks! Ineffectual forest spirit heroine ! Head-explodey! Long before Jamir gets ahold of the magic weapon and returns to Mikula's palace to save the day in a lighting-zapping climax, my brain had turned into a delicious puddingey mess and pooled in the back of my skull.
I don't know if I'm stupider or enlightened beyond my years after watching this movie. I need to go take a lie-down and recover...