Magic of the Universe [1987]

I really can't help myself--I'm going to begin this review of the Fillipino mindfuckery that is "Magic of the Universe" with a string of cliches--it has to be seen to be believed, it's jaw-droppingly weird, and it's clearly the product of an unhinged mind. Ho. Lee. Crap. I think I am forever changed. While I prefer its DVD-mate "Counter Destroyer," (making this the second-best movie I ever bought at the grocery store, for those of you keeping score) "MotU" is crammed full of bizarre and unexpected crap to a degree where I abandoned sense about ten minutes in and just opted to enjoy the ride.

The movie gets straight to the task of frying your goddamn brain with an opening montage where each role is credited. Just seeing the characters I was going to meet throughout the film brought on a sense of dread. This sequence is sort of the "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here" of the cinema world--heavy shit awaits the viewer. We're not talking about your standard-issue Asian cinema weirdness, either--hopping vampires be damned, this movie goes straight for your brain's butt and fucks it with swamp creatures, plant-ladies with flaming footsteps, a head-throbbey villainess and, perhaps worst of all, Globo.

Let's discuss Globo. I knew I would hate Globo from the instant he appeared on screen, credited by being played as "himself." Globo is meant to be whimsical and yet achieves a level of cinematic evil that goes past mere aggravation and gives me a hate-on the likes of which I've rarely experienced. I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be "cute" with his gibbering non-dialogue and spastic, hypnotic hand-puppet style of movement, but he's positively Satanic during his brief tenure on-screen. I'm kind of impressed that the FX guys were able to achieve such a gobsmackingly horrible creature from what's essentially a vivisected hand puppet on top of a black and white television set.

It's Globo's movie--everybody else is just existing in it.

Moving along from my Globo-related trauma, let's address the plot. You see, this movie tricks the viewer in to thinking it's a straightforward affair by adhering to a deceptively simple plot structure: Jamir, a stage magician, has to rescue his wife, daughter, and chubby kid assistant from the clutches of an evil sorceress named Mikula. Mikula is seeking revenge on Jamir since he's the grandson of a powerful sorcerer who cursed her. Fair enough. SIDEBAR: Grandpa Sorcerer is a rather amazing combination of Colonel Sanders and Fu Manchu--you can just tell he's a bigtime badass.

That synopsis does NOTHING to prepare you for the INSANITY of this movie. The first thing Jamir does is consult a witch doctor for advice, and after some really gross monkey-brain-eating action* which is supposed to do something or another to help Jamir in his quest, he sets out in his EXCELLENT CLOWN FACE BUS to seek the source of his woes.

First stop is--wait for it--a village full of midgets and children in native attire. Really. The midget chief is announced by a herald who SHRIEKS and waves his arms around, and is brought in riding on a palaquin carried by other midget natives. I'm totally unprepared for this because, notably, the midgets were not addressed in the opening credits. That's just messed up. SIDEBAR: I wonder if the midgets viewed the child actors as scabs, taking jobs away from good, card-carrying midget actors.

Jamir wins over the midgets with a little game of hide-the-banana (he uses sleight of hand to make bananas appear and disappear--what did you think I meant?) and then carries on with his quest which involves finding some magic weaponthing or another. Trust me, you'd be lost too at this point.

Back at Mikula's headquarters, Mikula makes a bunch of menacing statements towards Jamir's loved ones while surrounded by her pig-faced soldiers, stripper-gyrating monkey man, and muscleman Krug (not THAT Krug--this Krug has 100% more gold lame and chainmaille). I'm pretty sure Mikula is hell-bent on revenge and world domination, as these characters tend to be, but it's not this that imbues her with excellence. THAT would be her giant, throbbing head bulges that pulse erratically while she cackles. Globo is presumably one of Mikula's minions, because shots of him are intercut with the other monsters in her employ, but his purpose is never explained. He's just there to piss me right the hell off.

After all the sinister banter, it's PARTY TIME! A band composed rubber-suited monsters takes the stage while Mikula and her cohorts take some time to get funky. The monkey-man gets hella-funky, in point of fact--wiggling around in an alarming and distracting fashion. This might not be so bad, except for the fact that the monkey-man wears nothing but face makeup, a loin cloth and body oil. Someone, somewhere, is entirely too excited by this. Of course this distraction allows Jamir's wife and daughter to escape, but not before fat-kid assistant boy is brought out to fight another kid dressed as a ninja. Of course, fat-kid assistant boy isn't all Ho-Hos and solitary weeping--he's made of sterner stuff, which he demonstrates by sending the ninja kid flying out of the ring with a radical-if-chubby crane kick.

This film is structured using the AND THEN STUFF HAPPENS school of plot configuration. One dizzying image after another is force-fed to the viewer, who watches in what's probably a Ludivico-like trance. Self-hating wamp monster! Lady turning into rocks! Ineffectual forest spirit heroine ! Head-explodey! Long before Jamir gets ahold of the magic weapon and returns to Mikula's palace to save the day in a lighting-zapping climax, my brain had turned into a delicious puddingey mess and pooled in the back of my skull.

I don't know if I'm stupider or enlightened beyond my years after watching this movie. I need to go take a lie-down and recover...

For the brave among you, dare to witness the weirdness of "Magic of the Universe" on Flickr.

*Nota Bene: It's upsettingly real monkey-brain-eating, so I'd advise that my animal-loving friends skip this particular sequence.