Tombs of the Blind Dead [1971]

Back in the last century, before I became the Iron-Fisted Despot I am today, when the guy I was dating was hoarding giant bags of rice in order to survive the impending Y2K crisis, and I couldn't even drink legally, I was given the Righteous Task of writing an article for the first issue of Ultra Violent Magazine on the films of Spanish director Amando de Ossorio. I enjoyed the films well enough at the time, and have revisited them in the intervening years, acquiring the TOTALLY EXCELLENT Blue Underground coffin-shaped box set as a gift from Baron XIII (Official Tenebrous Domestic Partner). It was with the kind of warm fuzzies that accompany a meal composed entirely of comfort food that I sat down to re-watch the first entry into De Ossorio's Blind Dead series, "Tombs of the Blind Dead."

"Tombs"--bluntly put--is Fucking Awesome. The monsters are grade-A creepy--undead Knights Templar who prowl the ruins of an Iberian town seeking the blood of those mortals foolish enough to wander near their resting place. Everything is just SO RIGHT about these medieval zombies. Their bearded, skeletal faces; their mouldering robes; their silent, shuffling pursuit of victims; all are genuinely unsettling and every frame in which they appear is horror cinema gold. The slo-mo scenes of the Templars riding through the ruins on zombie horses are enough to give make this writer quiver. Add in some eerie background music that evokes the Gregorian Chants of the Damned, and I'm in the throes of an intense nerdgasm. Honestly, I find the Templars to be rad enough that I kinda don't care about the storyline. More excuses for showing more monsters = more better.

The plot of this first part of the series isn't too shabby and is filled with enough pervy little details (as well as an "OMFG SO GOOD!" ending that I won't spoil for you) to serve as a creditable frame to allow the Templars to do their evil thang. Former boarding school roommates Beth and Virginia are vacationing at a Portuguese resort and decide to take a venture into the countryside with fellow traveler Roger. Cue the sexual tension when it's revealed that Beth and Virginia are former lovers, and Roger is playing the field in a rather oily fashion, moving his romantic intent from Virginia to Beth. Sick of the shenanigans, Virginia parts ways with her pals (granted, there might've been less dramatic ways to do it than jumping from a moving train) and finds her way to a ruined medieval town. Displaying the fact that she's either one tough cookie or a hopeless dimwit, Virginia spends the night in the town and becomes the film's first Templar-related casualty. Beth and Roger then attempt to track down their friend and come across a series of colorful characters including hard-boiled police inspectors, a scholarly expert on the Templars, and a band of theives. Naturally, they find their way to Templarville for a little more body-count-upping hottness, leading up to the as-mentioned "OMFG SO GOOD!" ending.

The characters in this film are a messed-up bunch indeed. Beth is flirtatious and saucy, but is ultimately revealed to be frigid towards men; Virginia is a shy, sulky lass; Roger covers every scene he's in with a thin coating of slime. There's a morgue attendant whose hobbies include teasing animals and shocking next of kin with dramatic reveals of corpses. Of course, no movie would be complete without a hard-hearted, jealousy-prone hooker and a rapey smuggler to round out the party!

Now let's take a moment to linger on some of the wonderful details of the film. After she is drained of blood by the Templars, Virginia rises from her morgue slab as a zombie. And what a creepy-cool zombie she is! Clad only in the gauziest of wrappings, her autopsy scars are in full effect as she prowls the night looking for victims. Did I mention that Virginia works as a mannequin-maker? Well--she does! As you might suspect, a mannequin workshop makes for a shudder-inducing setting, and De Ossorio amps up the creepiness factor with atmospheric lighting and a real sense of isolation and dread. In fact, every shock scene in the movie is characterized by this sense isolation--ominous quiet takes the place of big-bang terror and provides the movie with much of its unique flavor.

I'll confess, this most recent rewatch of "TotBD" reminded me that I kinda love the Virgina-Beth hookup flashback sequence. It's uncharacteristically adorable in the otherwise bleak and mean-spirited world of the film. The girls are in their nightgowns, preparing for bed, as Virginia dreams about being a blushing bride someday. Beth, seizing the opportunity in a truly admirable fashion that I may or may not have jotted into a notebook for future use, tucks her hair under her nose to look like a moustache and dances with Virginia. It's all fun and games until--BAM!--Beth goes in for the smooch, and before you can say "no, I'm too shy," the camera is panning away from their prone, lip-locked forms. Niiiiice!

Wait a minute--what are you still doing here? You should be watching "Tombs of the Blind Dead," not listening to me prattle on about girl-kissing. Go forth and watch, or re-watch and enjoy, dammit!

More film stills from "Tombs of the Blind Dead" can be found on Flickr.