Flesh Gordon [1974]

Internet, I know what you're thinking--"Kate, we've accepted your love of third-rate films featuring face-stealing surgeons, your unquenchable lust for banana-flavored coffee*, and the joy you derive from painting tiny watercolor boobs, but this is just too much. Your passion for 'Flesh Gordon' is more than we can accept." I'm going to set forth a case for this 1974 softcore porno sci-fi comedy that will beg you to reconsider this film based not only upon its sheer batshittery, but upon all the great stuff it gives you in addition to insanity and copious nudity.


For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular nugget of Americana, "Flesh Gordon" was the brainchild of Graffiti Productions, a company that had previously churned out hardcore porn reels. Graced with a budget of $100,000, the minds behind the production company devised a plan to merge their passion for porn with a love of Golden Age Science Fiction. The hilariously hokey end product is the result of various misadventures brought on by a combination of zeal and naivete that infuse the end product with a manic glee that never fails to bring a smile to the Tenebrous Lips.

The plot follows star athlete Flesh Gordon, lady-pal Dale Ardor, and scientist Flexi Jerkoff in their quest to save Earth from the effects of the sex ray of Emperor Wang the Perverted, ruler or Planet Porno. The comedy is broad and sometimes cringe-worthy--Catskills Comedy one-liners are tossed around liberally, and I feel it necessary to warn that there are, in fact, El Kabong sound effects. Striking another potential hash against the film is the fact that it's a softcore flick--contrary to legend, no hardcore cut of this film exists, so the sex we're left with is essentially a lot of suggestive bump-n-grind. So, why in the name of a dark and sinister deity do I enjoy this film?

Simply put, "Flesh Gordon" gives and gives and gives, piling craziness upon craziness to a staggering degree. The effects work isn't giving George Lucas a run for his money, but it is cheap, fun, and sometimes effective. I adore low-budget stop-motion animation and model-usage because of its creakiness--the filmmakers aren't trying to play the audience for fools; they're adding in something goofy for the sake of fun. It's not trickery but rather a little visual gift--"Here, look at this cool thing we're throwing at you just because we can."

There was no need include a cool-looking animated sequence over the credits. In fact, that was probably a rather costly way to handle the opening, but the filmmakers opted for this because it looked nifty and added to the psychedelic ambience of the movie.

Seriously--who doesn't love little toy rockets in little toy space? EVERYBODY loves that, dammit, and this movie gives us a cock-shaped rocket in the kind of space that has eyeball planets. Better yet--the little cock-shaped rocket bursts out of a tiny model house during takeoff in what looks like a scene taken from "Mister Rogers' Land of Make-Believe Blue Reel" (which doesn't actually exist, but maybe should).

The real stars of this film, in my never-humble opinion, are the stop-motion figures. Not content to give us one or two stop-motion sequences, we get THREE. Count that, people--I'm willing to wager good money that's three more stop-motion monster seuqences than the last softcore porn you saw! My glee is almost uncontainable over the fact that we get a Snake Monster scene, a Giant Monster scene, and a Sword-Fighting Monster scene. That's Harryhausentastic stuff right there. The Beetle Man who battles Flesh in an actually-pretty-well-done hand-to-hand combat scene and the Giant Idol who kidnaps Dale King-Kong-style were both taken from previous, unfinished projects and acquired at a reduced cost, while the Penisaurus sequence was made new for the film (strangely enough, nobody else was making a film featuring penis-shaped dragons, thus necessitating this expense). Once again, the filmmakers did not have to include such elaborate sequences, but they did. You know why? Well... neither do I. I'm just guessing it's because they love me and want me to be happy.

But it doesn't stop there--oh no, friends. Several scenes feature matte-painted backdrops and there are guys in robot suits as well. Robot suits with mechanized penises, at that! Why? Why not! I haven't even mentioned the hook-handed lesbian, the gay prince, or the ladybug plane yet--in fact, I think it's best if I just stop here and assume I've convinced you of this movie's kickassitude.

I salute the makers of "Flesh Gordon" for their unwavering commitment to combine the universes of Kid Logic and Porn Logic to bring us what is a memorable, hilarious, and light-hearted sex romp.


If you're not won over to the AWESOMENESS that is "Flesh Gordon" yet, check out the Flickr gallery of stills for further evidence of the visual madness and excellence of this movie.


*Firstly, this is not a euphemism. Secondly, don't knock it till you've tried it--it's awesome.