Then again, trash-cinema pleasure is in the eye of the beholder, so it's only fair for me to point out that my opinion isn't the end-all and be-all. Other bloggers before me have taken the time to craft proper reviews of these movies, so in the interests of saving you the thirteen-and-a-half hours of your life that you will never get back in watching these particular crummy movies, I'm linking you over to some other folks' reviews to give you a better idea of what's in store.
"Funeral Home" - Like "Psycho," if the infamous shower scene was replaced by Mittens The Cat, who bears a striking resemblance to the mystery and wonder that is Spaghetti Cat. Because I am all about respecting differences of opinion, Cinema de Merde d
"The House of the Dead" - I should never watch anthology films. I never like them, although they
frequently serve as good counterpoints to identify exactly what is good about episodes of the "Twilight Zone." Although I don't remember the "Twilight Zone" episode about the businessman who gets trapped in an abandoned store and turned into a hobo as a result of being force-fed bottles of Ripple. So--points for originality there. And... why was the original title "
Alien Zone?" That's just lying. Although, this guy likes it, so--diff'rent strokes, right?
"The Cold" - I knew I was in trouble from the credits sequence superimposed over Super-8 footage of board games. So stupid it might have been art, although the Russian Roulette sequence was not-uneffective. This is why I must take a moment to shake my fist at director Bill Rebane for tossing me enough nuggets of weird to watch this damned thing through to the end. Bleeding Skull's review of this film captures a lot of my feelings on it--except much, much nicer.
"The Demons of Ludlow" - After my experience with "The Cold," WHY DID I WATCH ANOTHER BILL REBANE MOVIE? Oh wait, I know why--it was blurbed as being about a warlock-possessed piano. I'm not going to tell you it has dummy-decapitation in it, which is awesome, because you have better uses for your ninety-ish minutes. Oh damn--I just told you about the dummy-decapitation. Sorry! If you are craving more info, head over to the Horror Movie a Day review. I couldn't find a favorable view on this one--consider THAT your warning (it's a BIG internet, people).
"Murder Mansion" - Most boring lesbian vampire movie *ever.* My time is limited--deliver me boobs and blood or FAIL. I know this was an edited print, but I can't imagine that *extending* its screen time would've benefitted this old-dark-house cocktease of a film. Hysteria Lives disagrees with me, giving this 3 out of 5 stars.
"Oasis of the Zombies" - CONFESSION: I sort of suck, because this one amused me. I liked the performance of the skull-head-on-a-stick as well as the inexplicably existentialist ending. Bonus points for some of the goofiest day-for-night shooting in history. Now, riddle me this--why hasn't anyone made an AWESOME Nazi zombie movie yet? I want this to happen more than I have wanted anything yet today. Something Awful wants their time back from this one, as well as the opportunity to inflict grievous bodily harm on director Jess Franco.
"Cathy's Curse" - I'm sorry--what? I was napping. Must've been something that was on teevee... Horror Movie A Day stayed awake and is much, much nicer than I am (again).
"The Devil Times Five" - Starring Leif Garret and an absurd retard-seduction scene. I wanted this talky, static flick to be an amazing artifact of trash cinema but alas, 'twasn't. Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies finds plenty to delight in here, though (and they're still way, WAY nicer than I am).