Look, I have a bone to pick with you. It's not just your general awfulness that bugs me--it's the fact that you wasted several perfectly good opportunities to be a fucktastically insane exploitation film. When you should've been flashing me Lindsay Lohan's nipples, you gave me lingering close-ups on gangrenous flesh. You set up a gibberingly mad plot
involving mutilation, mistaken identity, and sex workers that would easily suit a 1973 giallo, but squandered this psychedelic weirdness in favor of teen melodrama and unfun squick shots.
Were I to describe you to potential viewers, you sound like a sleaze goldmine: teenager wakes up after having her hand and leg amputated by a fiendish murderer, but instead of awaking to her life as a straight-A good girl, she believes herself to be a jailbait stripper. She sets on a path to find the truth of what happened to her only to arouse the suspicion and hostility of those around her. Yeah, I know--total Sergio Martino shit, right?
But nay, I say--NAY! The facts of the case are in your favor, but you are guilty of sucking and sucking HARD. You did everything you could to make this an unpleasant viewing experience, from the ham-handed use of colors (Blue = good; Red = naughty) to the overly graphic mutilations to the gobsmackingly wooden performances. I mean, come the fuck ON, "I Know Who Killed Me"--it's like you exist solely to make me unhappy and leech joy from my existence.
You are quite possibly the least erotic of the erotic thrillers I've seen. During her exotic dance scenes, LiLo's character wears more clothing than eighty percent of beach-going vacationers. What the fuck, "I Know Who Killed Me?" I'm pretty sure I could accidentally see more of her on any given night in Los Angeles. Seriously--I'm not too proud to confess that I find Lindsay Lohan to be a hott piece of tail (particularly since she appears to be an emotionally damaged and utterly out-of-control bisexual hellcat who wouldn't be out of place hanging with Varla, Rosie and Billie), and I think that's part of why I hate you so much, "I Know Who Killed Me." You managed to put her in a role where she could appear as batshit krazee and trashy and over-sexed as possible, and yet she merely comes off as unappealing.
I guess what I mean to say is that you EARNED your Razzies. You stink.
Kate, Empress and Girl-Kaiser, Tenebrous Empire