Dear "I Know Who Killed Me,"Look, I have a bone to pick with you. It's not just your general awfulness that bugs me--it's the fact that you wasted several perfectly good opportunities to be a fucktastically insane exploitation film. When you should've been flashing me Lindsay Lohan's nipples, you gave me lingering close-ups on gangrenous flesh. You set up a gibberingly mad plot
involving mutilation, mistaken identity, and sex workers that would easily suit a 1973 giallo, but squandered this psychedelic weirdness in favor of teen melodrama and unfun squick shots.
Were I to describe you to potential viewers, you sound like a sleaze goldmine: teenager wakes up after having her hand and leg amputated by a fiendish murderer, but instead of awaking to her life as a straight-A good girl, she believes herself to be a jailbait stripper. She sets on a path to find the truth of what happened to her only to arouse the suspicion and hostility of those around her. Yeah, I know--total Sergio Martino shit, right?
But nay, I say--NAY! The facts of the case are in your favor, but you are guilty of sucking and sucking HARD. You did everything you could to make this an unpleasant viewing experience, from the ham-handed use of colors (Blue = good; Red = naughty) to the overly graphic mutilations to the gobsmackingly wooden performances. I mean, come the fuck ON, "I Know Who Killed Me"--it's like you exist solely to make me unhappy and leech joy from my existence.
You are quite possibly the least erotic of the erotic thrillers I've seen. During her exotic dance scenes, LiLo's character wears more clothing than eighty percent of beach-going vacationers. What the fuck, "I Know Who Killed Me?" I'm pretty sure I could accidentally see more of her on any given night in Los Angeles. Seriously--I'm not too proud to confess that I find Lindsay Lohan to be a hott piece of tail (particularly since she appears to be an emotionally damaged and utterly out-of-control bisexual hellcat who wouldn't be out of place hanging with Varla, Rosie and Billie), and I think that's part of why I hate you so much, "I Know Who Killed Me." You managed to put her in a role where she could appear as batshit krazee and trashy and over-sexed as possible, and yet she merely comes off as unappealing.
I guess what I mean to say is that you EARNED your Razzies. You stink.
No love,
Kate, Empress and Girl-Kaiser, Tenebrous Empire
11 comments:
a great review as always! Getting all that out in the open seemed very theraputic and frankly, it needed to said.
i just hope IKWKM was paying attention. never listens, that one.
I'll stick with "Case of the Bloody Iris." I didn't even rent this movie for free when I worked at a video store.
I've been at strip clubs before where certain strippers kept their clothes on. Usually it was three o'clock in the afternoon, there wree only 2 or 3 people in the joint, and the girl probably felt it wasn't worth it.
However, even then--no nips == no tips.
Well, except for that one guy. But I'm pretty sure he was a tard.
Thanks for jumping on another grenade, Empress! You'd think it'd be impossible to fuck up an amputee-stripper movie, but I guess there's a first time for everything.
(And @wiec?, at first I read that acronym as "I Know Who Kate Means." I need to get out more. :S )
The Costuminatrix officially calls for the public flogging of the IKWKM costume designer. I usually LIKE it when there are lots of clothes in movies, but they need to be fabulous, and above all conspiciously absent in movies that call for fabulous gratuitous nudity.
Thanks, WIEC. I really do hope that I KNOW WHO KILLED ME reads this. I'm pretty sure it's ignoring my repeated texts and angry voicemails, the bastard. +10 points for brightening my mood with a picture of David Lo Pan.
I got sucked into watching this last night during a teevee airing, Brad, and I'm the poorer for it. I went from "oh hey, isn't this the one with LiLo as an amputee stripper" to a raging hate-on in the first 20 minutes. Bad, bad, bad stuff. You made the right decision!
Vicar, nursing home =/= strip club ;) But yes--while I can tolerate bottoms-on strip clubs, I have no patience for a nipple-free experience. Seriously--I can get that thrill at any nightclub on any night of the week for a LOT cheaper.
>>they need to be fabulous, and above all conspiciously absent in movies that call for fabulous gratuitous nudity
Costuminatrix, I'm pretty sure this is in the Tenebrous Empire's Constitution. If it's not, then consider it to be the First Amendment!
Shouldn't this flick be called "I Know Who Killed My Career"? hee hee!
I hope that this doesn't lose me favor with the Empress, but I actually like this film--a lot. Granted, you're on the money when you say that Lohan could have awarded us with a nip or two, but the film was so refreshing as a daft updating of 70s gialli, especially when you place it in the company of style-less works like PROM NIGHT. Just my 98 cents short of a dollar!
I think you're being to harsh. What about the sex scene, while her prosthetic leg recharges !? Classic ! And the weird stripper boss lady.
And Brian wins it! Jeepers, I can't imagine LiLo's agent looking at this script and thinking this was in ANY way a good career move for the girl!
Headless and Skipper, I do have to defer to you guys in that this is probably a LOT better than some of the PG-13 teen fare made recently. I make it a policy to avoid PG-13 exploitation films on principle, so I didn't catch any of those. An utterly unwatchable movie ALWAYS trumps a merely very bad movie!
Lohan is from my hometown of Merrick, which was also where Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher called home. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut. Well, at least Mario Puzo lived there for a few years, so it isn't all bad.
This is probably the coolest thing I've read on blogspot in a while. Keep it up and thank you. Check out my blog if you want to read my thoughts on stupid slasher movies and hear me gush about how hot Daria Nicolodi used to be.
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