I realized it had been a while since I last offered my sage words regarding attire and personal grooming, and I'd completely neglected the ladies during Fashion Advice from the Movies Installment 1. Please accept my humblest apologies, and allow me to correct this oversight by doling out some wisdom for the fairer sex. Listen up, ladies! I owe no small measure of my own success as a definitely-mercurial and possibly-evil despot to these simple rules.1. Let your outrageous eye makeup do the talking. You can't have artifice without art. Words to live by.
2. Garments that multitask are essential. A drill bra for menacing the weak, built-in nipple tassels for an impromptu strip-tease, a neck muffler for a chilly evening--any one of these items would prove handy at some point in one's life.
3. Blood goes with everything. Blood is not the new black, because as a wise pal of mine recently pointed out, only black is black and so shall it remain forever. Digressions aside, I just can't picture this particular demoiselle looking quite so fetching sans-grue.
4. The fashions of the Middle East are as hot as the weather of that region. Women coopting menswear fashions is nothing new. Radclyffe Hall and George Sand set examples for future fluidly-gendered clothing exploration, and I get more than a bit distracted when confronted by the androgynous beauty of Le Smoking. Adding the exoticism of the Orient to this recipe for sexy only serves to elevate its already-awesome awesomeness to heights I can barely stand. Addendum: Let the record show that gentlemen look swank in Middle Eastern drag too.
5. Don't be afraid to Jazzercize things up a little bit. I'm led to believe that dudes dig cameltoe (which, frankly, I find rather appalling, but odds are you're not out to impress me--more's the pity). Thank your dark deity that American Apparel stores are popping up like so many rank, cave-thriving mushrooms in your local shopping malls to meet the rising demand for leotards. Or--you know what--maybe you'd be best ignore rule number 5 and just go back to rule number 4. That's a MUCH better rule.
6. Giant fucking sunglasses. I could create a drool-worthy montage of all the giant fucking sunglasses I have known and loved. Bonus points that you can actually *purchase* these in stores right now. GET CRACKING, ladies--your fabulousness is in jeopardy!
7. What Would Edwige Fenech Do [WWEFD]? Well, chances are she'd opt to star in a relentlessly inscrutable Italian sex farce or a semi-unwatchable giallo, but make no mistake that she'd look INCREDIBLE while doing it.