I realized it had been a while since I last offered my sage words regarding attire and personal grooming, and I'd completely neglected the ladies during Fashion Advice from the Movies Installment 1. Please accept my humblest apologies, and allow me to correct this oversight by doling out some wisdom for the fairer sex. Listen up, ladies! I owe no small measure of my own success as a definitely-mercurial and possibly-evil despot to these simple rules.
2. Garments that multitask are essential. A drill bra for menacing the weak, built-in nipple tassels for an impromptu strip-tease, a neck muffler for a chilly evening--any one of these items would prove handy at some point in one's life.
3. Blood goes with everything. Blood is not the new black, because as a wise pal of mine recently pointed out, only black is black and so shall it remain forever. Digressions aside, I just can't picture this particular demoiselle looking quite so fetching sans-grue.
4. The fashions of the Middle East are as hot as the weather of that region. Women coopting menswear fashions is nothing new. Radclyffe Hall and George Sand set examples for future fluidly-gendered clothing exploration, and I get more than a bit distracted when confronted by the androgynous beauty of Le Smoking. Adding the exoticism of the Orient to this recipe for sexy only serves to elevate its already-awesome awesomeness to heights I can barely stand. Addendum: Let the record show that gentlemen look swank in Middle Eastern drag too.
5. Don't be afraid to Jazzercize things up a little bit. I'm led to believe that dudes dig cameltoe (which, frankly, I find rather appalling, but odds are you're not out to impress me--more's the pity). Thank your dark deity that American Apparel stores are popping up like so many rank, cave-thriving mushrooms in your local shopping malls to meet the rising demand for leotards. Or--you know what--maybe you'd be best ignore rule number 5 and just go back to rule number 4. That's a MUCH better rule.
6. Giant fucking sunglasses. I could create a drool-worthy montage of all the giant fucking sunglasses I have known and loved. Bonus points that you can actually *purchase* these in stores right now. GET CRACKING, ladies--your fabulousness is in jeopardy!
7. What Would Edwige Fenech Do [WWEFD]? Well, chances are she'd opt to star in a relentlessly inscrutable Italian sex farce or a semi-unwatchable giallo, but make no mistake that she'd look INCREDIBLE while doing it.
19 comments:
I approve of/subscribe to several of these tenets of fashion...and not just the one you knew about already. ;) As for the jazzercize tip...I think I'll let Body Fuzion do the talking.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4192/saturday-night-live-body-fuzion
God bless you for your use of the phrase "sans-grue" - you continually wow me with your cool - though I for one have never been turned on by either camel toes or big sunglasses.
I would add black turtlenecks with long weird medallions, hip hugging flared slacks, and skirts with a long slit up one side. Edwige French would have my back on this!
If one must wear a floppy hat, make sure it looks like Meiko Kaji's in the Scorpion films! abrigato, babeee
As the honored Official Hugo Boss of the Tenebrous Empire, I stamp this entry with a hearty APPROVED. Especially #4 and, natch, the Huge Fucking Sunglasses.
I am relieved that you qualified your comments about Jazzercize apparel. Although I think my repulsion is more based on the fact that with leotards usually come sweatbands and super-fluffy feathered Farrah hair. Or Richard Simmons afros.
Brilliant.
Ariel, I LOL'ed at Body Fuzion. The terrifying-but-true fact is that I OWNED some of those old-school tapes from The Firm in the porno-mansion set. I found them distracting in the extreme.
Erich, I really have to come up with some sort of distillation of the Early 70s Satanist Look--the medallions and form-fitting black turtlenecks are DEFINITELY a part of that particular statement. It's one I've aspired to pretty much since I could choose my own clothes ;)
Thank you, Costuminatrix! I'm delighted that this meets with your approval. Us gals have got to look out for one another's continued chic-ness.
B-Sol, bless yer black little heart for thinking so!
No barefoot in pantsless prison uniforms? :-)
You know, there is proof that your rules are accurate. Two words: David Bowie - He follows all of them, at least in his glam era and is dead sexy (a member of my short "list").
Word verification: unhongo
"The fashions of the Middle East are as hot as the weather of that region."
Nicely put.
I'm not a camel toe person, per se, however, I do enjoy the exquisite tightness of a 1980s era leotard every now and then.
You just mentioned Edwige. I'm sorry, did I miss something?
Oh yeah, you actually made, like, 3 references to the Middle East. In addition to Rule 4 (obviously), Rule 1 makes a veiled reference to Burkahs (how else to explan those sexy eyes from Satanik?) and in Rule 5 you mention camel toes, which everyone associates with the Middle East (although my wife, who was born and raised in Teheran, still insists she didn't ride a camel to school every morning). What does this all mean? I haven't a clue. But you did mention Edwige, so thanks for the post.
As a huge fan of the neck muffler, I could not agree with Point 2 more -- especially during the winter months. As we move into the dog days of summer, I find that just a neck cover (and nothing else), specifically those of the crocheted turtleneck/Dickie variety, make a bold fashion statement when visiting the local nude beaches.
Re: Giant sunglasses. Makes me think of Eugenie De Sade and that amazing red raincoat and hat disguise all accessorised with some pretty cool big sunglasses.
as seen here link
now that just rocks!
I need a "WWEFD" t-shirt. With that picture on it in full silkscreen glory.
Good catch, Darius! Clearly a second part to this advice list is in order.
Yum-Yum, there's something to be said for the high-cut leotard with a pair of striking leg-warmers. That's probably nostalgia speaking, but I cannot deny that vintage MTV played its part in the development of my personhood.
Fred, perhaps I've got Syrias obsession that I've got to explore! *yuk yuk*
Aunt John, two snaps up and around for your fashion-forward bravery! Fight on, neck-bedecked haute couture warrior.
Nigel, I may have to take a moment! Soledad is a favorite actress of mine--I'd posit there's nothing she doesn't look gorgeous in :)
Vicar, you would wind up sleeping in the doghouse of the Vicarage for, like, a month if you had that shirt ;)
If I had the shirt, it wouldn't matter. ;)
Fabulous advice, I am still to master the striking eye make-up thing, being a glasses wearer also make it a ch challenge to don the HUGE sunglasses. However I am all for blending a little again touch with my outfits. Can I also add that a snugly fit corset teamed with crisp black or white shirt unbuttoned to show the utmost cleavage is a must!
www.musingcontinuum.com
Ms. H--I had a rather tragic experience with enormous sunglasses. After sinking [insert absurd sum of money here] into a pair of prescription designer sunglasses, I realized that I couldn't wear them because the slight curvature of the lens made me feel like I was inside a psychedelic fishbowl. Only not in a good way. Oh the follies of fashion!
re:Sunglasses - I wear the male equivalent - Ray-Ban Aviators (the king of sunglasses :-) - Not the mirrored ones. I don't want to look like a redneck cop.
I'd say I wear them for coolness, but it is partly because I have a giant head. Think Master Billy, Quiz-boy :-)
TRUE FACT, Darius: My very next pair of [overly expensive] sunglasses is going to be a pair of mirrored aviators. Because I kinda *do* want to look like a cross between a redneck cop and a Las Vegas showgirl in a vampire-themed production. I know that's ambitious, but I think I might be able to carry it off! Barring that, I'll just keep achieving "local eccentric" ;)
I love #4 love sunglasses...just love them.
Great sunglasses!! They look great
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