Simply put: I don't do cannibal movies. From what I understand of the subgenre, it seems like watching one of these films would be too much of an Endurance Experience and too little of a Fun Experience for me, and as such, I fully cop to that empty spot in my exploitation film education. What can I say? Once I got my undergraduate degree, I made a promise to myself never to read or watch anything that I didn't want to. For me, that umbrella just so happens to cover the works of Marcel Proust as well "Cannibal Holocaust." So when "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" showed up on my doorstep, purchased blindly due to its unpossibly excellent title from my pals at Trash Palace, I was a little leery to pop it into my DVD player due to its tagline: "A journey into a cannibal inferno." Visions of turtle-torture, native gang-bangs and genital mutilation flashed before my eyes. What had I gotten myself into? After getting a little bit into my cups this past weekend, and having hit fail-dirt with "SS Experiment Love Camp" (which I'd already seen, disliked, then forgotten, and oh by the way SPOILER ALERT: they're not really in love), I was feeling steeled enough to give "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" a shot.
Ho. Lee. Shit. "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" is a sublimely stupid film, filled with comedy of both the intentional and unintentional varieties; a film that refuses to take itself seriously and borders on a parody too perfect to achieve if parody had been its ultimate goal. Michael Sopkiw (who, by the way, is a FUCKING RAD individual) plays Kevin Hall, a rugged, wise-cracking paleontologist-slash-adventurer cast in the Indiana Jones mold who encounters a famous paleontologist and his frequently-nude daughter at a run-down Brazilian hotel whose lobby does triple duty as a bar, restaurant and cock-fighting arena. Hooking up with a French airplane pilot, a Vietnam vet and his wife (who is a dead ringer for transsexual superstar Amanda Lepore), as well as a fashion photographer and his two models, the unlikely cadre heads out for a sight-seeing fly-over of the supposedly-cursed and definitely-cannibal-infested Dinosaur Valley. Before you can see "three hour tour," our Gilligan's-Island-esque band has crashed smack in the middle of cannibal country and are forced to navigate their way through the jungle and to eventual safety.
If this seems predictable, it both IS and ISN'T. I made a checklist about forty minutes in that went a little like this:
- Sopkiw and brunette live
- Many natives get hacked up
- Blonde gets body part(s) eaten
- A snake dies
Well, dear readers--only two of these things happened. What I *didn't* predict was that, after escaping the clutches of the natives just as they were about to get all sacrificey, the surviving members of the party encounter an evil slave trader and smuggler who brings the movie round to being a prison film for a while before the helicopter-tastic ending. So, yes--"Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" is actually two--TWO--ridiculous movies for the price of one. Hooray!
Tame by cannibal standards, "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" favors light-hearted adventure in the tradition of black-and-white serials over gruesome thrills. There's relatively little blood and only one act of cannibalism. It seems like the movie took its inspiration from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," which the filmmakers clearly found to be entirely too highbrow and coherent, crafting this glorious dollop of dumbitude as their response. This movie just brims with low-budget bliss. There's a model airplane crash, some hinkey-looking natives, eye-bugging melodramatic performances, and utterly redonkulous dialogue. Oh--and boobs--lots and lots of shots of boobs: native sacrifice boobs, running boobs, bloody boobs, wet t-shirt boobs... It's pretty much a bonanza of pulchritudinous Euroflesh. Not that I'm complaining.
The movie is so full of plot holes that I started to be pleasantly surprised when the plot actually made sense. I'm kind of unclear as to why everyone in the movie was so keen on going to dinosaur valley, and once they were headed there, why the pilot was so adamant about not allowing extra passengers, and why the damn plane crashed at all, but as long as I let myself get carried along on a stream of delicious silliness, I had a great time. Then there's the bit with the really fussy piranha, who gnaw mercilessly on one character's leg, yet leave the two characters who wrestle in the depths of their river a moment later entirely alone. Perhaps they were full?Then Kevin decides that, instead of JUST SHOOTING at the natives and rescuing his companions, he'd rather take the time out to craft a little bomb from gunpowder to "distract" the natives. Some time later a dinosaur track gets discovered and leads to precisely zero story developments.
But--come the fuck ON, dudes--check out that film still above. If that doesn't sell you on seeing this logic-free bit of trash cinema excellence, I don't know what will.
12 comments:
Helicopter-tastic endings are my favorite type of endings!
>>borders on a parody too perfect to achieve if parody had been its ultimate goal.
I recently viewed a screener of an intentional cannibal-flick parody that was produced in the last year or so, and for me it just utterly fell flat. Granted, I'm not a big cannibal flick fan either, but the guys really seemed to be trying too hard to make something funny that just wasn't, except maybe to themselves. (Then again, I've read a few positive reviews of that flick on the 'net, so maybe *I'm* the one with the problem.)
Anyway, you have completely sold me on Massacre in Dinosaur Valley. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of this.
>>a run-down Brazilian hotel whose lobby does triple duty as a bar, restaurant and cock-fighting arena.
Now that's the type of theme restaurant I could get behind!
Oh, wait--you probably meant *roosters*, didn't you. Never mind. :S
I love this movie!
I 'am' a big fan of Italian cannibal films, but I understand your (or anybody's) disdain for them. I can't even really pinpoint why I like them myself...I have issues I suppose. Massacre in Dinsaur Valley, like you said is more of an adventure movie like Indiana Jones than a cannibal movie like Cannibal Holocaust. MIDV is way too fun to be a cannibal movie.
If you get a chance you should check out the article I wrote about Michael Sopkiw for BthroughZ. I think he's very underrated.
http://bthroughz.com/may09/michael.html
GET TO THE CHOPPAH, AUNT JOHN!
Vicar, comedy is so super-personal that I've just opted to not-review any comedy that I didn't find funny. It's too hard to explain why I *didn't* enjoy a comedy than why I *did* like another. But yeah, "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" traffics in a few cannibal cliches without going in the kinds of directions that the ones I avoid tend to go in...! Worth your time, for sure :)
Also:
>>Oh, wait--you probably meant *roosters*, didn't you
Dude. Ew.
Rev. Fred, it's not so much a "disdain" thing for me as it is a "not my cuppa" thing when it comes to cannibal movies. It kills me that Ivan Rassimov, one of my more favorite Eurosleaze actors, starred in several of these movies, because I always enjoy his performances! But yeah--"MiDV" is just an incredibly silly, fun, ridiculous movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it :)
I don't especially like Cannibal films either but this film really really rocks! Sopkiw should have made made far more films than he did.
This and Cut And Run exist at the safer end of the genre, much of the rest of the genre is just grim.
I'm trying to figure out the "cannibal flick" continuum that Nigel suggested. I guess if "Cut and Run" is at the tamer end, then you'd probably have to put Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox/Make Them Die Slowly at the other end, with Man from Deep River somewhere in the middle. Personally, I'm not a big fan of cannibal flix either (I tend to lump them with Naziploitation, although the latter is for personal/religious reasons), but if you ARE going to watch one or two, I'd suggest Man from Deep River (which is like a cannibal ripoff/remake of A Man Called Horse) or Cannibal Holocaust which, while extreme, might be the best of the genre. Happy Hunting!
This has been sitting in a box set that I bought a few years ago in order to see Lenzi's Eaten Alive and Deodato's Jungle Holocaust. I took this to be the poor cousin of the set, but between your write-up and Rev. Phantom's enthusiasm for Sopkiw I'll have to watch it very soon, especially since I dig both cannibals and helicopters.
Kate, after what you said about why you dislike the cannibals films, I might recommend you check out "Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals", the half-sexploitation / half-cannibal flick from Joe D'Amato. It also has lotsa' boobs, unintentional hilarity and, if memory serves, zero animal deaths. Of course there is a scene-stealing cigarette smoking chimp who may have died of lung cancer years later unless his habit was low. Now I haven't seen this movie in over 10 years so I may be remembering things a bit foggy. But I think it might be right up your alley as it seems to me to be another jungle exploiter for people that shy away from the animal-killing type of cannibal movies. There is also an awesome score by Nico Fidenco. Oh yeah, there are some super cheezy gore effects including one at the end of the movie that is quite possibly the worst I have ever seen in any film ever. (and that's sayin' something!)
Never bothered with this one - may give it a look now. However, I certainly won't be buying the cut UK edition by shoddy outfit Vipco, entitled - wait for it - Cannibal Ferox II!
Btw I'm with Brian on Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals - it's a gas from start to finish.
Nigel M, I'm always happy to see Sopkiw's name on the credits. If nothing else, his presence assures me that the movie will be silly fun!
Fred, I've waffled on watching "Man from Deep River" a few times. My love of Rassimov (and desire to see Me Me Lay's exotic beauty in all its glory) make me think I might have to give that one a shot. I mean, my DVD player DOES come with a "stop" button after all!
Samuel, I'm pretty sure this *is* the poor cousin of that set, but I think that's exactly why I liked it! Also--helicopters rule. I learned that from "Night of 1,000 Cats."
Brian and Tyrant--I'm SO glad to hear that "Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals" is worth a look! I peeked at the trailer included on "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" and is has so many things I like: Laura Gemser, chimps, Laura Gemser, a groovy-ass soundtrack, Laura Gemser, and freak-out violence. I am SOLD, babies :)
I've avoided cannibal movies because the very idea directly hits my queasy spot. My problem is that sometimes the memory of a disgusting image will intrude in my thoughts when I'm eating. I've overcome my weak stomach for gore to truly and fully appreciate it in contexts like gialli, for example, but since cannibalism directly links food and gore, I just know better than to expose myself to that.
Curt, I think you're on to something--there's more than just the Animal Stuff that squicks me about these movies, and you may very well be right about the *direct* connection between gruesomeness and the act of eating. Although, this might be *just* the diet plan I've been looking for...
Post a Comment