You know what's the worst part of working in marketing (I know, I know--the Tenebrous Bills need to get paid somehow, folks)? One can never see advertisements and not analyze their awfulness, and if one has a particularly snarky bent of mind (guilty!), one's life in contemporary America becomes a whirlpool of spleen that spins and inextricably tangles the horribleness of the advertisers with the stupidry of the General Public. I'm more concerned with the 66/100th of Ivory Soap that isn't "pure" than with their insipid former tagline. It concerns me deeply that people are making haircare purchases based on the SCIENCE depicted in their advertisements. Show a motherfucker wearing goggles and a serious expression pouring junk from a beaker onto pretty much anything, and the General Public is enslaved by the specter of TROO FAKTS.
Before I get all "Our Advertising, Ourselves" up in here, let's discuss the horrors of advertising in vintage men's magazines, shall well?
If you're having BILL TROUBLES (for being a fool and PAYING for an Electro Pocket Pussy instead of ordering one of the free love dolls advertised elsewhere), perhaps chemical TATTOO REMOVAL would offer a path to financial solvency. Barring that, the flesh solvency will certainly follow. Because--dude, that sounds like the worst idea EVER.
Once you've achieved wealth as a result of your new job, why not treat yourself to a 10 karat gold symbol of your newfound fortune? While I *do* think the RED BARON ring is pretty fucking boss, I think STAR WARRIOR or DIAMOND ZODIAC probably makes the statement you're looking to convey.
If all else fails, there's always witchcraft. Who wouldn't listen to Gavin Frost, BSc, PhD, DD, Archbishop of the Church of Wicca from New Bern, North Carolina with its headquarters in Salem, Missouri (yer doin it rong)? Look at his photo--he's totally rocking the 1970s Satanist thang, with his pointy beard, heavy gold chain and black turtleneck. That's a look that says "trust me baby, I was in 'All the Colors of the Dark.'" If that's not enough, just read the testimonials--ANDY DISSOLVES A GALLSTONE using nothing but the tremendous power of witchcraft! Dissolution of accreted bile aside, this pamphlet promises to teach you how to MAKE TIME RUN FORWARD AND BACKWARD. I'm pretty sure that could be successfully employed against those dopes who invested their cash in a boring old drafting career from a few ads earlier.
10 comments:
I am pretty sure I bought "The Magic Power of Witchcraft" and I spent a whole summer trying to use my Hypnotism guide. (But I bought them from a comic book, not a men's mag! Because I was TWELVE.)
(Then again, I guess a lot of 12-year-old boys read those men's mags. Did it also have ads for X-ray specs?)
p8
You know, I never thought about it before, but you're right--you could read these ads as a kind of oblique biography of the person who bought the magazine. revealing a slice of life and a peek into the concerns, insecurities, and desires of the guy flipping the pages. (I guess that's why I'm a Vicar and you're an Empress. ;)) I see a lonely fellow who worries about ever having a lucrative, exciting career, worries about his attractiveness and fashionability, feels he has no power or control in his own life but longs to *be* powerful and in control, even if it means learning hypnotism or making a pact with the Debbil...
Hey, wait, this is getting uncomfortably close to home. :P
>>I'm more concerned with the 66/100th of Ivory Soap that isn't "pure" than with their insipid former tagline.
I'm the same way! When I hear about some hand soap or floor cleaner that "kills 99.9 percent of all househould germs," my immediate thought is, "Man...that .1 percent of germs that are left must be FUCKING BADASSES." ;P
>>That's a look that says "trust me baby, I was in 'All the Colors of the Dark.'"
You can close the polls--La Tenebrous wins the Internet for today. ;P
Comment verification: "subacin." Probably the active ingredient in that chemical tattoo remover.
I'm phoning in right now for the instructional on meat cutting. I need a career change.
Wait a minute, the Tattoo Removal ad and the 'Learn Meat Cutting' ad have the same telephone number!!! EEK!!!
But you gotta secretly love these for the period ephemera they are. I think The Vicar (that tender-hearted, wizened old cleric) nailed it.
We can laugh, sure, but "Fingerprinting: Career of the Future!" really was pretty much right on the nose. And I totally have to admit that I'd love to fly through time and space on astral wings. I'd buy that for a dollar!
I'd also sing the hell out of this song while rocking my medallions.
I have that Magic Poser of Witchcraft book! I bought it at a used bookstore for $1.
I am pretty sure that Gavin and Yvonne are still kicking around, I seem to recall looking at their blog a few years ago - couple of new age hippie/witches, but if I recall correctly, they do have a sense of humor about the whole thing-hey, more power to them.
I would totally have fallen for "The Magic Power of Witchcraft". I used to have lots of those types of books, being too poor to send away for them I picked them up in jumble sales or charity shops. That should have been a clue that they weren't going to grant me untold power.
So spill it, P8 and Cranky! CAN YOU FLY? Or is it like the dude I used to know who claimed to have secret ninja powers he could never reveal, because if he did than the other ninjas would kill him for revealing the true nature of his magic in front of white people? Yeah--it's probably just like that.
Vicar, the .1% of germs are clearly responsible for the SUPERBUG. Thanks for that, fuckers at Clorox.
Fred and Igloo Keeper--meat cutting and tattoo removal are two career paths that go together like necrophilia and a hot summer afternoon. Yum!
Brian, surveys prove that the Vicar of VHS is exactly four hundred and thirty-seven percent kinder than I am. It's a FACT!
DB--awesome. Pure songey awesome, my friend.
Pax, I'm actually totally delighted to learn that the "Learn Witchcraft" folks have a good sense of humor! I've become jaded through long exposure to the internet, which has made me believe that EVERYTHING is taken to be serious business.
Dreaded Rhubarb, you make an excellent point...!
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