Have you ever seen a vintage PENTHOUSE spread and thought to yourself that it would be better if people were wearing more clothes and the focus was even softer? Well you, my cupcake, are in luck, because VIVA's layouts are shot in dreamy glaucomavision with a naughty peek at genitals here and there. In this "Happy Housewife" spread, an insatiable stay-at-home trophy wife tends to the needs of a variety of gentleman callers, from the milk man to the Fuller Brush salesman.
As if that wasn't moistening enough, a genuine reader and not-at-all-paid-by-the-word author writes in this completely-not-just-repackaged-FORUM piece about how HE was the VICTIM of a Door-to-Door Seductress! Uhm, VIVA? Can I have a word with you? If your intended audience is supposed to be... y'know... women, it'd be keen to not just trot out tired male fantasies. Just pointing that out.
The only thing that women dig more than seducing the postman and hearing about promiscuous men is seeing pictures of the Mr. Nude Toronto contest in all its incredible Swinging 70s style! [Editrice's Note: I have taken the liberty of pixellating the assets of the contestants because I don't want to get my blog yanked--I trust you can fill in the necessary blanks. Suffice to say Mr. Blonde is not winning any Size Prizes.] There is just so much, so awesome going on here--the wood paneling, the gold chains, the picture of the female judges.
Any man who isn't a "tub of lard" or a "bag of bones" was invited to compete--how inclusive! It's a world where a Toronto biscuit-factory worker can find glory by winning the male nude dance competition.
I'm sorry--I need to take a moment; the CD of my brain is skipping on the words "male nude dance competition." It's... alarming.
At least this guy had *some* sort of a clue--his talent was reciting sensual poetry. THIS rings of truth--chicks really dig poetry.
So you were fortunate enough to pluck Mr. Nude Toronto's key out of the bowl at the Key Party you just attended, you lucky woman you! Isn't it a good thing that your bachelorette pad is decorated in appropriate VIVA style? Those "Cleopatra's Power" and "Caesar's Sceptre" prints are going to tell Mr. Nude Toronto that you are down for anything, baby.
9 comments:
Bleah. All I can think is how helpful a fire hose filled with Nair would have been.
I am a shallow woman.
Word verification is "oring"!
(Joan here. Blogger still hates me for some reason so I'm trying this anon.)
Aww. I think it's kind of adorable how VIVA targets *both* straight male readers *and* gay male readers!
p8
Has any woman anywhere ever thought "Hey, this guy's pants are too small...THAT'S HOTT!"?
Joan, I was giggling at the fact that the article states how "average" these guys' bodies are! Way to level the body dysmorphia playing field there, VIVA ;)
Flightless--succinctly and perfectly verbalized. +10!
Jack, let's keep the "someone, somewhere" rule in mind, dude. I'm sure it's happened--just not... often.
Kate please copyright glaucomavision.
The wood paneling and dance comp for Mr Nude has rendered me speechless, hysterical with giggles. Thank you Viva, thank you Kate for warming up this cold Melbourne afternoon!
www.musingcontinuum.com
Who knew that Concord, New Hampshire was the epicenter of the Swinging 70s? I'm also glad to see the Cleopatra Power and Caeser's Scepter prints for sale. I'm convinced my 5th Grade gym teacher used them during Sex Ed class (yes, the 70s were a strange time).
As for the bodies on the dudes in the layout (no pun intended, except for the poetry dude and his lei..but I digress), at least as a member of the hirsute set, it's nice to see some men who aren't sporting more wax than your average Yankee Candle shop. Where did the current folicle phobia come from anyway?
Can't help noting that the promoter for the Mr Nude contest is identified as Mortikia Fleginhymer.
There used to be a joke that the difference between art and pornography is that art is out of focus.
Heh.
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