Have you ever seen a vintage PENTHOUSE spread and thought to yourself that it would be better if people were wearing more clothes and the focus was even softer? Well you, my cupcake, are in luck, because VIVA's layouts are shot in dreamy glaucomavision with a naughty peek at genitals here and there. In this "Happy Housewife" spread, an insatiable stay-at-home trophy wife tends to the needs of a variety of gentleman callers, from the milk man to the Fuller Brush salesman.
As if that wasn't moistening enough, a genuine reader and not-at-all-paid-by-the-word author writes in this completely-not-just-repackaged-FORUM piece about how HE was the VICTIM of a Door-to-Door Seductress! Uhm, VIVA? Can I have a word with you? If your intended audience is supposed to be... y'know... women, it'd be keen to not just trot out tired male fantasies. Just pointing that out.
The only thing that women dig more than seducing the postman and hearing about promiscuous men is seeing pictures of the Mr. Nude Toronto contest in all its incredible Swinging 70s style! [Editrice's Note: I have taken the liberty of pixellating the assets of the contestants because I don't want to get my blog yanked--I trust you can fill in the necessary blanks. Suffice to say Mr. Blonde is not winning any Size Prizes.] There is just so much, so awesome going on here--the wood paneling, the gold chains, the picture of the female judges.
Any man who isn't a "tub of lard" or a "bag of bones" was invited to compete--how inclusive! It's a world where a Toronto biscuit-factory worker can find glory by winning the male nude dance competition.
I'm sorry--I need to take a moment; the CD of my brain is skipping on the words "male nude dance competition." It's... alarming.
At least this guy had *some* sort of a clue--his talent was reciting sensual poetry. THIS rings of truth--chicks really dig poetry.
So you were fortunate enough to pluck Mr. Nude Toronto's key out of the bowl at the Key Party you just attended, you lucky woman you! Isn't it a good thing that your bachelorette pad is decorated in appropriate VIVA style? Those "Cleopatra's Power" and "Caesar's Sceptre" prints are going to tell Mr. Nude Toronto that you are down for anything, baby.