There's just something so thrilling about a crookedly-applied prosthetic fang or an ill-conceived CG-Eyeball or an awkward egomaniac in a ruffled blouse that just sets my pulse a-pounding. Watching a shitty vampire movie is like engaging in an endurance test. The endorphin rush of having survived "Queen of the Damned" is probably a bit like making it all the way through a Sun Dance--sure you're bleeding from every pore and you kind of want to die, but ultimately your nipples are probably intact and you've become a man. Or... something like that.
I wonder if there's some kind of medal (hopefully with a creepy looking black cross on it--fingers crossed!) for cinematic survival. If so, I've surely earned it with my many forays into trashy vampires.
A Brief Selection of Self-Inflicted Vampire Film Injuries
- "Dracula 3000," which combines two questionable tastes that always bring me running: Udo Kier and vampires (the whole "in space" thing should've tipped me off to this being a bad, dangerous idea, though). As a pal observerd, Mr. Kier could've played his entire role pantsless, as he just appeared as a talking head on a screen. In fact, if you think about Udo Kier acting pantslessly, the film is almost watchable. At least for a couple of minutes.
- "Vegas Vampires" has Fred Williamson and vampires. Also a cast of people known only by single names like "Rio" and "Kurupt," probably for Plausible Deniability purposes. I seriously think Fred Williamson included Richard Roundtree in the cast just to take him down a peg for making Shaft a cooler character than Tommy Gibbs.
- I sometimes watch "Van Helsing" the way people engage in the Two Minute Hate in Orwell's "1984." Check it out--I even made a cartoon dedicated to my loathing of this film:
- My most recent horrible vampire film watch was "Gothic Vampires from Hell." Yeah, fuckers--roll THAT one around on your tongue for a while. THEN get ready to learn that the plot concerns a battle of the bands between rival gothic rock groups. AND that the soundtrack contains songs by *actual* gothic rock bands, which are meant to be the songs of the *fictional* bands. It's pretty much an orgy of lip-synching and poorly-applied eyemakeup. In fact, I think I probably have a lot more to say about this movie.
Yes, folks--vampires can do far worse than sparkle. Take me at my word. I've fallen into a K-Hole of vampire krazee and I just can't escape!