I remember when "The Blair Witch Project" came out to much internet hype and fanfare back in 1999. I was dating a huge asshole of a human being at the time who missed out on getting us tickets to the limited release twice. It wasn't for this reason that I kicked his whiny ass to the curb, but it would've been a fine enough reason, because "The Blair Witch Project" was a really creepy little micro-budget, macro-marketing flick. The "waiting in the corner" final frames worked really well, and the acting was natural enough that one could buy into the premise that this was real found footage left behind by hapless young travelers. The Bell Witch-inspired backstory was eerie and mysterious, and it really felt like the storyline I was watching was but one of the many creepy things that had occurred in the Pennsylvania forest. It was worth suffering through the motion-sickness-inducing bits to get through the story to the chilling final frames.If one were to create a film that boiled off the texture of "The Blair Witch Project" and discarded it, set the story in a three-bedroom house with a cathedral-ceilinged dining room (described somewhat puzzlingly as "a typical suburban 'starter' tract house" in the plot blurb) and center it around the most excruciatingly ordinary couple in recent movie history, one would have "Paranormal Activity." Watching this movie was like spending ninety minutes watching grating yuppie assholes engage in a game of demonic ring-and-run, with the flaming bag of dog turds ultimately left on the viewer's porch.
I love ghost stories, and some of the only genuine scares I've gotten from films have come from this flavor of horror flick. The delicious goosebumps elicited during "The Changeling" and the creeping dread of "The Haunting" are among my more treasured movie memories, so I was eagerly anticipating getting some similar thrills from "Paranormal Activity." For those of you who've been away from the internet recently, "Paranormal Activity" tells the story of a couple haunted by demonic forces through video they've compiled during their investigation. This formula isn't inherently disastrous, but once the ouija board came out and well before the sprinkling of baby powder on the threshold of the bedroom, I had clocked out, realizing that no new ground was being explored here.
Hi! We're bland in a manner similar to that of other humans. Enjoy sharing our horrible lives for ninety minutes you will never, ever, ever get back.
Also, there are few things LESS fun for me than spending an hour and a half of my life with the kind of people I avoid at social gatherings. Male Asshole and Female Asshole embody almost everything I hate about average American human beings. Allow me to elaborate:
- I hate their "careers." He is a day trader, she is a student. Working as a "day trader" is like saying "I play scratch-off lottery tickets for a living and sponge off of my folks who keep me in the soft lifestyle to which I have become accustomed." She is studying English in order to be a teacher. In a startling display of ingenuity, the filmmakers give her the hobby of jewelry-making, instead of taking the easy out of making her a top-notch scrapbooker.
- Female Asshole spends a significant portion of the movie denying her boyfriend sex. Yes, she's a real keeper, that one. I bet they do it with the lights on if it's Male Asshole's birthday.
- Male Asshole says things like "NO ONE COMES IN HERE AND MESSES WITH MY GIRLFRIEND." Your bravado--I am unconvinced by it.
- They have a bevy of decorative pillows and comforters that are stripped off the bed before they can sleep in it. Do normal people do this? That seems like the dumbest thing ever. See also the six-hundred inch television set that dominates their living room that I just KNOW is used for watching THE BIG GAME. I bet they own jerseys representing their favorite athletes that they wear while stuffing their doughy selves with nachos on GAME DAY.
I can imagine getting trapped in conversation with them at someone else's cocktail party. They're colleagues of a friend of a friend and I have to spend precious minutes of my existence listening to prattle about stock portfolios and mid-terms and designer pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond while they criticize my lifestyle in the kind of passive-aggressive manner perfected by the Studiously Average.
Whatever horrors this film held in store for these folks, they simply weren't hideous enough.
But back to the Movie Actual. I can dig a slow burn--hell, slowness in films doesn't bother me one whit; I'm a Eurotrash fan. I was dismayed by the assholocity of the lead characters, but I held off on unleashing the full measure of my ire, eager to see the nighttime footage shot while the couple is sleeping. This footage is undoubtedly well-handled, but it's a serious problem that EVERYTHING that happens when NOT shot on a tripod while the leads are ASLEEP (and therefore not talking) makes me want to reach through the screen and bounce somebody's head off of the sidewalk.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to see this movie because--quite frankly--most people I know really dug it. I'm not an arbiter of good taste, nor do I wish to be one. But... I can't help but feel like some other, different, nigh-upon-unwatchable movie that isn't the "Paranormal Activity" other people are raving about was somehow slipped into the projector last night. Cos what *I* saw, lieblings and liebchens, was the worst movie I've seen in a significant amount of time.
29 comments:
Loved your review! I had a feeling this was the case so am glad I didn't go see it last night. BLAIR WITCH worked because the characters were believably unique to themselves, a little bit crunchy, a little bit rock and roll. PARANORMAL seems more like CLOVERFIELD, a "found video" film about unbearably banal generic types (vain LA actors playing self-absorbed NYC dullards) using a national disaster as an excuse for martyr-ish posing. DEATH to NORMAL PEOPLE!!!
They have a bevy of decorative pillows and comforters that are stripped off the bed before they can sleep in it. Do normal people do this?
Yes (with a heavy sigh).
Your dissection of the smug self-satisfied modern suburbanite couple is unfortunately spot-on. The phrase "trophy English teacher" comes to mind. All that's missing is her jogging with the $500 baby carriage.
If I may philosophize for a second: it is interesting to note how time is both lost and gained throughout the universe in a system of causation wherein ripples of loss spectrally echo into the boon of others. While Kate may have lost 90 precious minutes of her life to this movie, I (and perhaps others) have gained 90 minutes of time that might have been spent on this movie. Time, as Hamlet noted, is out of joint.
There is nothing I hate more than a "normal person English teacher." It's contrary to the very nature of the thing.
Ugh. I'll say one thing for this movie, the characters were certainly believable. I could almost see them standing in front of me in line at blockbuster disputing a four dollar late fee and demanding free rentals. What horrible crime did the invisible entity commit while it was alive to deserve the hell of being shackled to those two? I say the demon is the real victim here.
Beyond my vehement hatred of the couple I have to say I did not think this movie was well crafted in any way. It just felt randomly put together to me. If you film hours and hours of film and you are keeping the scene with the tiny spider in the bathroom you really don't have a movie.
I'm totally confused by the fact that people were frightened by this. My only guess is that it plays into white upper middle class fears of loosing or not being able to maintain the lifestyle you thought was your birthright. Boo-hoo. Personally, I want to take "the demon" out to lunch, my treat.-Unk
Thank you Erich! Yes, you were way better off doing whatever it was you got up to last night in lieu of "Paranormal Activity," kinda no matter WHAT it was...! As Curt over at Groovy Age recommends--put the ten bucks (or thirteen bucks, as is the case for us NYC'ers) to better use and get some fancy beers. I didn't see "Cloverfield," and I can pinpoint the moment that killed it for me: How the FUCK did the head of the Statue of Liberty get to the Lower East Side? I mean--come on dude, that's one HELL of an alien trebuchet launch.
Dr. Charles, this bedding-related revelation makes me sad. Also perplexed. But then I LOL'ed at the $500 baby carriage thing--SO accurate, man.
Jack, PREACH IT re: "normal person English teachers." Way to suck the joy out of literature, Norms! That's "doin' it rong" personified.
Unk, I love you more and more and more every day. I held back such an ell-oh-ell at your comment. PERFECTLY distilled! Also, I love you. Oh em gee I do and am so fortunate to have awesomelarious pals like you in my life :}
When webpages dedicated to Horror news hit me with the old line of "you have to see this, it's the greatest Horror film in years, support this or you are not a real fan," then I know automatically that I will hate the thing. Your review only enforces that.
Interesting take. I had the opposite reaction - I really hated Blair Witch because the characters were so annoying, whereas PA also worked for me because the characters seemed fairly realistic and likable.
Then again I guess the same applies in my personal life; I really don't mind the "Bed Bath and Beyond lifestyle" and several of my friends are lawyers, day traders, merchant bankers, etc. and I always found them to be a far more open-minded and tolerant than my "alternative" and "artist" friends - the former never seem to mind my somewhat odd interests (Giallo, Naschy, Pulp, obscure history, the usual stuff) and often are game enough to suffer through some Argento or Eurocult relase with me, whereas the contempt and disdain for anyone foolish enough to admit to a liking of any part of"mainstream WASP culture" among the latter group is really far more inflexible, unforgiving and rude.
Never thought about this when I watched PA, but maybe it had something to do with my reaction, so it's an interesting take for sure.
Pity, I always thought we'd have a great time should we ever happen to bump into each other at a cocktail party.
I love what you said kate ! the movie is not yet released in france, but the few images I saw from it didn't convince me at all !
Dear Anonnymous,
The funny phenomenon I've noticed is that "weird" or "alternative" people are the first to admit that the oddball things they're into aren't for everyone, whereas "normal' people take great umbrage at the suggestion that Seinfeld is not the funniest thing ever, beige Dockers are not the best pants ever, or that their useless cubes jobs are, in fact, useless.
Is the ego of the average "Bed, Bath, and Beyond lifetyle" ascribant so delicate that they can't accept that some of us find their lifestyle boring and mediocre?
Anon, I think the alt.folks you've encountered are just better at employing the Out Loud Voice. Either that, or if they're attacking you for your genuine interests, then I'm going to guess they're jerks! I didn't get the impression watching PA that these were people who had textured interests--they seemed like sleepwalkers who didn't really like each other very much. As to the imaginary cocktail party, you don't seem like the type who'd chew one's ear off bragging about your salary or real estate--it's likely our paths would cross with perfectly pleasant results, even if we agree to disagree on matters relating to toss pillows ;)
I hope I saved you an hour and a half, Filo! Now feel free spend your movie ticket money on more amazing, weird magazines! ;D
Since the whole "ghost hunters OMG It's real!" thing infuriates me so much, I knew I wasn't going to bother with this. But...I admit it. I love seeing you get your rage on.
A young (23 which is young to the 45 year old "me") employee of my biggest client came in the other day raving about Paranormal Activity being "the scariest thing I ever saw!" So, we proceeded to watch the trailer (which young employee had dubbed "the scariest coming attraction I ever saw!") and I proceeded to laugh so hard that I almost coughed up a lung. This looked like such a gimmicky load of crap that I couldn't resist ripping young employee all day about it (and lucky for young employee, it was Balloon Boy Hoax Day, so he suffered through a second round of razzing when he got all upset thinking there was an actual 6 year old boy who fell out of that flying mylar balloon baggie contraption). It was all in good fun, and I'm guessing it was better than the 90 minutes of your life which you will never get back having spent it at the theater watching Paranormal Activity.
By the way, I'm a lawyer whose wife shops at Bed Bath & Beyond (what the heck is the Beyond in the name anyway, a weird allusion to Lucio Fulci and throw pillows?) and has been known to (sometimes) where Dockers. But then my wife just used one of those 20% off coupons to save us $40 on a new booster seat for my 6 year old son (who doesn't ride mylar balloons but does really dig the Clone Wars and makes a great Werewolf of London impersonation). I hope that doesn't make me too boring.
Joan, I'm at my adorable-est when I'm all frothy, dontchathink? ;)
Fred, as a self-admitted "Gullible's Traveler," even *I* arched an eyebrow at the Balloon Boy hijinx! I kinda empathize with your colleague, though--I, too WANT TO BELIEVE, but reality keeps getting in the way of all the awesome-creepy conspiracies thrown in my path. *sigh* Pesky reality. And--pshaw! You're one of my fave raconteurs and your company is always welcome here. I can't imagine you seeing yourself reflected in the characters in this film for about a hundred different reasons!
This may be the single greatest review of anything I've ever read. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I've had my doubts . . . this one seals it for me. Still might see it anyway, just to be sure.
It's weird to loathe something that so many other people love. I feel that way about the movie WHIP IT. I thought it was more bad than good, and now hearing people rave about how great it was is tipping it from "okay" in my recollection to "awful."
Oh dear. This is going to be another one of those things like "Mother of Tears," isn't it? Where I actually get this on DVD (for SCIENCE, dontcha know, or in this case "Self-Torture" of the how-bad-can-it-really-be kind) and then spend the next several weeks of my life alternately wanting to find the filmmakers and punch them, and mumbling "I should have listened to Kate" in a mournful voice.
I admit it. I'm the person who actually drinks the milk when someone asks me to taste it and see if it is sour. Hi, my name is the Costuminatrix, and I am a giant sucker.
Chris: I concur with your opinion of WHIP IT, but this could be because the hipsters in my town have pretty much ruined anything cool about roller derby for me.
Thanks, Chris! I spent a good deal of time getting all hateradey over this film and not wanting to review it, but my spleen got the better of me. Glad that I was able to do some good by venting my movie-related rage! I've yet to see WHIP IT--I figured it'd be better for me to spend my cash on actual derby matches, which are really a great deal of fun. By FAR the best sporting event I've ever attended!
Costuminatrix, there is no way you're NOT going to hate this movie. "Mother of Tears" was better than "Paranormal Activity" by a pretty wide margin, and not JUST because it had boobs in it. And yeah, I always smell the spoiled food too. *sigh* I prefer to think the reason is because I am A WOMAN OF ACTION and not merely a dupe. I mean, the "dupe" thing is probably part of it but I like to give myself a LITTLE credit.
Costuminatrix, I'm sorry about the hipsters ruining roller derby (like they do everything else). I'm with Kate; I went and saw WHIP IT entirely because roller derby was, for me, the best time I've ever had at a sporting event too. The upside was Zoe Bell was in it, otherwise I would have liked it even less. Anyway, I wrote about my experience, if you care to check it out.
http://stumblingthewalk.blogspot.com/2009/10/rotten-tomatoes-is-on-my-list.html
Both you and Curt at Groovy Age have hit the head on the nail with this one.
I was so underwhelmed by PA and I when I saw it I knew little about the plot and more about the films path from Slamdance. I got to see it in the April (and sadly, not with a large audience) in circumstances related to my film fest job and have been surprised by its subsequent success. The number of people who are bending over backwards to label it as the best horror film ever!?! Plus some of those people's opinion I usually agree with! What was I missing?
I didn't mind BLAIR WITCH, although again, I did not see it in the ideal setting - with French subtitles and a chatty French couple behind me. The characters in BW where much more interesting and believable than PA, plus the back story and made-up folk lore added texture and depth.
One of the things about PA that I can't get is how much praise the characters/actors are getting and people talking about how "likeable" they are. Excuse me? Maybe they did fit in the Bed Bath mould, but they were the DULLEST couple ever! There was NO normal interaction between them (chat about weather, friends, dinner, etc) and it was always "haunting haunting haunting." The home looked like a sterile demo sale house with not one lick of personal touch. Don't get me started with how they dealt with the paranormal expert towards the end, where they seemed unable to leave the house at which point it seemed to be channeling the concept of EXTERMINATING ANGEL.
Like you Kate, I can easily get hooked into a "slow burn" plot, but there has to be some kind of payoff at least, which PA sadly lacked. Looking at my notes, I timed 56 minutes (night #17) before anything happens or rather, before the haunting actually interferes in their daily life and even then, it is such a minor incident.
After BW came out, I saw a great deal of "reality" and "found footage" based horror films in the capacity of my film fest job and also because I simply enjoy good horror films. Many never saw much of a release because they were so bad. I thought that trend had died out, but now with the success of PA, expect a new flood crappy ghost hunter films. At least its a change from the SAW/HOSTEL gore for gore sake overkill.
Of course, one of the reasons for PA's success is the theatrical marketing campaign. Right from the start, I heard from industry sources about "plants" placed in the audience, like a woman who would start to rock back and forth and moan at the mid-point of the film.
In this day and age, seeing a horror film at midnight screening for a mainstream audience is such a rarity, that with the audience's built up excitement and anticipation, you could unspool almost anything for them that would deliver the required jolts and jumps.
Colin, you make an excellent point about the lack of non-haunting-related interaction between the two leads. I hadn't noticed it as such while watching the movie, but you're so right! No attention is paid to developing anything but a sense of uncomfortable bickering between them, and I had no sense of their likes and dislikes outside of their pronounced dislike of getting fucked with by demons. I'm just relieved to know that I'm not alone in my puzzlement with this film's overwhelming success!
This is making me glad I haven't spent the money on seeing it. I may save it for NetFlix.
I do have trouble taking films seriously if the people we're supposed to feel sympathy for are simply douches.
I'm going to take the left-hand path on this baby and defend it. Kate already has my opinion of the movie in the 140 characters or less abridged version but my enthusiasm for it stems from a few abstract articles.
I'm a defender of the little guy. Oren Pelli made this movie for the approximate total of what I spend on burritos in any given year and when you consider that angle, it's a righteous triumph in an industry that can't figure out why its bullshit remakes and megaplex oriented horror is hemorrhaging duckets. I think they oversold it in the viral marketing department and since it hit wide release, Bloody Disgusting is doing a fair bit of backpedaling to defend its "scariest movie ever" quote. Paramount mounted an effective campaign but by the time it went into wide release, they were pracitcally handing out depends with each ticket purchase just to keep the momentum rolling on the hype train. In the end, I think it bit them on the ass. Still, it's made crazy-ass box office. So good for them. They deserve it.
Frankly, I thought it was good not great and that festival cut that is circulating has a far, far better ending than the theatrical cut which nearly takes all the wind out of its sails. I spend my working day surrounded by bland Micah's and Katie's so I found them to be believable. The acting was good, the scares were spooky even if they took forever to get to the good stuff.
Okay, I get that you don't like the main characters or their lifestyle, what I don't understand is why that affects your enjoyment of the movie. When it was revealed that Micah was a day trader, the right side of my mouth crept upwards in a derisive half-smile, but I got over it before the next scene. I haven't seen BW in a while, but I liked it too, even though the camerawork was nauseating and the characters irritatingly granola.
The film's narrative conceit requires them to be together and home during the haunting - I imagine the writer worked into their professions (and the fact that they would be acting in his rather nice home) from there.
And the point about them not having other conversations apart from the haunting is not compelling to me. The idea was that this was edited video, right? Presumably Micah filmed hours and hours of video where nothing much happened. 'The families' of Micah and Katie - who authorized the release of the video - would have edited it down to the matter at hand.
I felt like the film generated great suspense in a very honest way. I liked it more than Antichrist (which I felt was cheapened - and made more horrifying - by the mutilations) but not so much as 'The Others' (my all-time favorite for atmospheric tension)
Good review and great comments. Personally, I didn't like BWP or PA--coincidentally, the only two horror films I've even seen on opening night. I did like the audience reaction to PA's ending--although I didn't share their fright, I got a laugh from watching a teenage boy run out of theatre (maybe he was doing it for theatrical effect, I don't know).
I find it interesting that the themes of personality and social labeling have been discussed. I find the female leads of BWP and PA to be obnoxious--I would have left the first one in the woods and the second one in her oversized and poorly decorated house. The males in BWP seem like 'good guys' and Micah doesn't seem horrible, just typically pathetic (and annoying). His unwarranted machismo and spineless placation of his girlfriend made me sick. I almost agree with Kate: these two might be tolerable by themselves at a cocktail party, but I wouldn't want to be a dinner guest at their house (haunted or not) when they start getting snippy.
I rather enjoyed your review of upper-middle class white yuppies, but wish you'd bothered to review Paranormal Activity.
Do you not find any irony at all in making this comment:
"they criticize my lifestyle in the kind of passive-aggressive manner perfected by the Studiously Average."
when you could easily say that you
"criticize their lifestyle in the kind of passive-aggressive manner perfected by the Deliberately Different."
Zanti, I've heard a couple of female reviewers specifically point to the dislikable nature of Katie's character. She underscores a lot of negative stereotypes of passive female sexuality, only becoming interesting by virtue of the demon's involvement :/
Cinema Suicide, you make a salient point about the budget of the film, and you're right to point out the accomplishment of completing ANY movie--let alone one as wildly popular as "Paranormal Activity"--under those circumstances. I really did want to like the film, it just didn't click for me. Like I was mentioning to B-Sol, I like fantastical movies, and this had no fantasy element. It was kind of single-note for me, and alas it didn't gel into the creeping dread I so very much wanted to feel. I'm glad so many others are loving the film, though! Every viewer responds differently to this sort of thing :)
Dan, I like getting into the characters of a film--it's an important aspect for me, personally. Much like the aforementioned fantasy, it's why I watch movies. I like to think about how the characters will react, how they live their lives outside of the movie world, textural elements like that. But these folks were just not nice *to each other*, in a banal and dreadful way, and it was kind of like watching people bicker, occasionally interrupted by sleep. Not my bag o' chips, alas.
Phil, THIS:
>>I wouldn't want to be a dinner guest at their house (haunted or not) when they start getting snippy.
Distills it entirely. Yikes--the bickering, man! I can just imagine the uncomfortable silence as everybody starts looking at each other, wondering when and IF they can make a polite exit...
No RifRaf--Fail. I'm AGGRESSIVE-aggressive; not passive-aggressive. Move on to your next anonymous internet comment. You're done here.
I'm having a little trouble accepting people's dislike of Katie and Micah as criticism -- I didn't find them as horrible as most of the commenters here seem to, but if PA isn't anything as lofty as a critique of their lifestyle, it's at least a straightforward if maybe unintentional allegory for an abusive spiral. Micah baits the demon, Katie freaks out, Micah offers to buy her a new dress... and the cycle repeats, amplified, until she kills him. So, y'know, maybe you weren't supposed to like them unreservedly. (Of course, that's not an excuse for making an unwatchable movie, but a lot of the commenters seem awfully sensitive to whether you would or wouldn't want to hang out with these people at cocktail parties -- is that a standard to which you hold most horror-film protagonists?)
I think there's plenty to criticize about the movie -- there are some obvious things that would have defused the tension completely, like if they'd invited their ten closest friends over, or if Micah had had five minutes in which he wasn't an oblivious dickhead. (And I'm kind of tempted to read his implausible fuckwaddery as its own subtle form of possession, although that's probably stretching credibility a bit. Note that "implausible fuckwaddery" in this context is mostly independent of whether or not Micah shops at IKEA.) And Micah's habit of filming everything is of course tiresome and stupid (unless, perhaps, also read as possession), and the bit about the demon's previous hijinks was exactly the wrong amount of information, and the end was totally lame, and I will not be buying the DVD to see the alternate ones, every one of which sounds much better. So I'm not in squee-mode -- I ran across this blog post mostly because I just saw the thing and am trying to make sense of it in my head, especially the ways in which it fails. I'm just not sure the characters' bourgeois taste in bedding is one of them.
... OK, that was a cheap shot. Most people have other complaints about the characters. So, to seal your hate, I will say that I identified pretty well with their relationship in the beginning of the film. They were friendly and intimate and cute in ways I recognize from my own relationships and others that I respect. As things got worse, their relationship got worse -- but I think that's reasonably read as part of the point. Again, conceded, art's first duty is to entertain, and "the point" is no excuse for dereliction in that duty. But maybe you can acknowledge the germ of something interesting there, even if it wasn't cashed out to your taste -- or, for that matter, mine?
this is the best review of Paranormal Activity yet. I just finally saw it last night. It was so dull. I agree with all your sentiments. F- Paranormal Activity. Blair Witch is a triumph compared to this.
BTW - I'm not sure if you mentioned the woods of Pennsylvania by accident or you were referencing it because they are closer to you in proximity but BW was based in Maryland.
Glad you dug the review, Jay! You can probably tell some noses are a bit out of joint over my opinion this particular film. I continue with my not-getting-it-ness :/ As to the Blair Witch thang, I think I'm thinking about the fact that Heather attended UArts in Philly right around the time I was in school there--that's where the Pennsylvania connection came from!
I saw the trailer and was not impressed. I also hate it when new movies are compared to an already successful one. My past experience is that such movies invariably disappoint me. If a movie is good the producers should need to try and promote it on the back of something else.
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