This may shock you, but I'm given to flights of melacholic hyperbole. I like to think of it as part of that nebulous whole that makes up My Charm. One of the genius things about having this kind of temperament combined with what is cruelly known as The Natural Aging Process is that I start thinking about the inevitability of my physiological deterioration.
It's going to fucking suck, pals.
I've decided that I'm going to be chill with losing some of my eyesight, so long as I have *one* usable eye. And hell, even if my world becomes glazed like the lens in a Just Jaeckin movie, I think I might enjoy that kind of erotic soft focus. Things might look even better!
But back to that single-eye vision thing: Having vision in only one eye opens up a world of fashion possibilities. Well--ok--only *two* fashion possibilities, but I like them both.
Eyepatches.
F'reals--eyepatches are kind of awesome. And if anyone said anything snide about my appearance, I could be all like "fuck you--I'm blind in one eye; don't mock my handicap!" Thus making that person feel "shame" and "embarrassment," either or both of which that person would richly deserve.
Besides, there's something about an eyepatch that says "Watch out--I might be dangerously unhinged. I am not afraid to cut a bitch, even though my aim might be a *smidge* to the left, but I'm counting on your reflexes being not-so-great."
The down-side to the Eyepatch Plan is that I'd have to wear some kind of single corrective lens, and contacts are an ass-pain. Which leaves me with the option of wearing a monocle--not that I'm opposed to that. I could make the monocle MY OWN, because right now, people seem to associate the monocle with Old Timey Capitalists. And peanut spokes-characters. Neither of which is as sinister or awesome as I'd like.
I think I'd definitely need to affect a new accent if I were to wear a monocle, however, because this Jersey thing will *not* work.
Seriously. People do not appreciate the full range of issues that people with disabilities have to cope with.
9 comments:
I've always enjoyed a nice, color-coordinated eyepatch. Along with a string of pearls, it really takes any ensemble to the next level.
I just never understood how a monocle works. Is there some sort of adhesive that lets it stick to your brow? Does it leave a red mark? So many questions and yet Mr. Peanut remains silent.
I grew up with an astigmatism which seriously weakened one of my eyes, and yes, I had a doctor once tell me that if this were an earlier time, I'd be a prime candidate for a monocle... Went with the solo contact lens for a while, then the glasses with one fake lens. These days, I just squint a lot...Wish I could've had that monocle, though...
Fritz Lang wore both an eyepatch and a monocle, as seen in this picture. Great director. Said to be a sadistic son of a bitch on set, though. He probably would have been an awesome Bond villain.
The EverHelpfulZone sez:
So Yer just going to make fun of the rest of us for not being as *HOTT* then, EH?
"That Tenbrous--She's just too...too.. WEIMAR for us "
oh, B_T_W: revisiting LOVE TRAIN FANTASY FILM FAVE Flesh Gordon"--eyepatch AND h00k does NOT JustSayPy-rate but IWantCandy
>http://filmfanatic.org/reviews/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/CandySamples2.JPG
Aunt John, she's got Bette Davis eyes--or at least... the one...
Emily, I think you have to get a monocle fitted, and it kind of *holds* in the bone that comprises eyesocket. That way, it punctuates your look of surprise when you shout "BY JOVE" and it falls out onto your vest. Or at least that's what I'm given to understand...
Wow, B-Sol! That's wild. I have a pal who had to wear an eyepatch as a kid, perhaps because of a similar condition. I think it made her the feisty person she is today, in fact.
Doc M, that is an amazing photo. See, I'd probably pair the monocle with a novelty glass eye. Maybe with a crosshairs in the iris or something...
Joey, I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't include the lesbian leader from Flesh Gordon! Dang me all to heck!!!!
I think monocle fetish porn is a sorely underestimated niche genre. Imagine the following taking place outside a well to do manor:
Rapscallion: Sir, might I interest you in the latest issue of Miss Monocle?
Gentleman about town: My boy, is President Tyler naught but a sockdologizing laudanum swiller? Surely I will accept your offer!
See - the world could be a beautiful place.
What's lovelier than Berlin lez, and nazi monocle'd heroes? not much...tho' one of the first
eyepatch extraordinaires (apart from pirate manga)... was Kirby's Nick Fury.
Your post brought back some memories. I almost lost my right eye when I was 10. A friend at day camp was trying to get a baseball out from under a bunk using a long stick, but he was careless and the stick hit me clear in the right eye. It all could have been avoided if I'd been wearing my glasses, but I had just gotten the prescription and was really self-conscious. The white of my eye was severely scratched (if it hit the iris, it would have been finished), and I had to spend a week with a patch on my eye (and I couldn't go underwater the entire summer, so no diving boards). The only consolation was that my dad drew a really cool picture of an eye on the patch, which got a lot of looks when we went into the City to see the musical "Doug Henning and the Magic Show." From that day on, I have worn my glasses (which, if I'd been less lucky, might have been the Fritz Lang monocle/eye patch ensemble).
Post a Comment